The Buffalo Rules

After St. Patrick's Day in Pretoria, we joined a four day/three night tour of Kruger National Park and the surrounding area. The bus made a series of stops along what's known as the Panoramic Route. We took in same amazing sites, including the 3rd largest canyon in the world. Our guide Neil was a South African rugby fanatic hoping to move to the States to work in the hospitality industry. Neil's favourite musicians were Bok and Don Williams and he liked nothing better than relaxing with a full bag of biltong (not the kudu ear cut, please) and a couple of cans of Carling Black Label chased with a bottle of Sparletta Creme Soda. He was a connoisseur of cured meats and also enjoyed the occasional aged cheese. He also introduced us to Mrs. H.S. Balls Original Recipe Chutney. Thank you for this, Neil. (side note: Mrs. H.S. Balls Original Recipe Chutney is made by Unilever and it's tasty. It's eaten on everything. Sometimes you'll find it in Peach and Hot variants. Today I saw it under a new sort of sub-brand of dressings brought to you by Mrs. Balls - one was Sweet Chili Sauce, which combined my favourite Asian sauce with my new favourite African sauce brand, effectively forming a super-sauce. I don't think we have Mrs. Balls in Canada. Certainly not by the same name. Jeanine - if you're reading, please prioritise this.)

Kruger park: very good. The night before we entered the park we stayed at a lodge on the outskirts that was home to a giant wild warthog named Pumba. He stank, and walked around the grounds like a dog with lethal tusks. He was soon following us to our room at a half-canter with a determined look on his snout. Before we broke into a run, the proprietor asked what was in the bag in my hand. It was a half bag of biltong (the deliciously salty cured meat strips that Neil had recommended). Apparently Pumba, like Neil, enjoys a nice nosh of biltong. We had a great night there which included a lengthy History of Pumba (like the time he rammed a stuffed warthog ten feet into the air when the lodge owner pretended to feed it) and a live dance and music presentation from some local kids. They did "In the Jungle" by firelight at the end of the night and even Pumba stopped snoring and raised his filthy wart-ridden head in approval.

Kruger was great. The park is bigger than Wales and the animals are legitimately in the wild. There's a fence around it, but it really is kind of irrelevant - you wouldn't call Wales a zoo. And besides, the animals just knock down the fences when they want out. And there are lots of animals. Thousands of them. Two of the Big 5 were spotted: elephants and buffalo. We're not leaving until we collect all five. We slept in tents in a fenced area and hyenas patrolled the perimeter once everyone went to sleep. We saw a Mozambican Spitting Cobra and a Black Mamba (side note: is Kobe still calling himself this?). We went on a sunrise hike through the bush on foot with armed rangers. Those guys are crazy - they can spot a rat's eyelash twelve kilometers away and tell you whether a given rhino likes his eggs sunny side-up.

Anyway, we had a great time and got really excited about the rest of the parks on our itinerary (we'll be at Etosha National Park in a few days, another big one).

Before ending this post, it's probably appropriate to do a little South Africa level-setting. I don't want to leave the impression that all of South Africa is abundant, undiscovered wilderness. You know when you tell someone you're from Canada and they come back at you with all that talk about Francophone mounties who ride moose and live in igloos? South Africans are conscious of a similar case of global misinformation.

At the original time of this writing, Kruger was finished and we're pulled up at a Shell station in South Africa beside a Volkswagen Polo, a Ford Ranger, and Audi A4 and an SUV made by Toyota. When the automatic door of the mini-mart ahead slides open, I can see Pringles, Lays, Nescafe and a Coca-Cola refrigerator in the back. Our mini-bus driver comes back with a hot coffee (complete with corrugated cardboard safety ring around the recycled paper cup) and one of the daily newspapers - in English.

Umm...where are the leopards?

On this day, the closest we've gotten is a DVD the driver just passed back called Predators: Animals that Kill ("There are animals that hunt. There are animals that are hunted. And there are animals that are both hunters and hunted depending on their current circumstances." Catchy!). The DVD was made in Suffolk, England. There's also a kung-fu movie called Capital Punishment starring newcomer Gary Daniels ("When he strikes...It's lethal.) and a karaoke DVD with tracks by Beyonce, matchbox twenty and Christina Aguilera.

As we cruise through the countryside of the area known as South Africa's "Wild Coast", we start to get a better picture of rugged Africa. The real Africa. The rolling green hills, the winding paved highways, the jay-walking cows (African stoplights, we're told) and the sheep. Lots of them. Silently prowling, deadly predators. It's a little known fact that sheep make up two of the Big 5 (lion, leopard, sheep, elephant, sheep). We got within smelling distance of a couple of them.

That day we made it to Coffee Bay, a collection of residences on an otherwise barren coast. Spectacular scenery, surf-ready beaches and even a real live tribal village within walking distance (performances held every Friday from 6:30 - 8:00 PM. Credit cards accepted at your guesthouse reception).

Things seemed civilised until we were called into the communal living area at the Coffee Shack Guesthouse. That's when we were told that we'd be following a different set of living rules during our stay: Buffalo Rules. That's when the adrenaline kicked-in. A new set of social rules that would test our resolve and call into question all that we held to be just and right! Rules that if broken, carried still penalties of a nature unfathomed in Western culture since the days of Roman rule. Then our host, Nomandla, read the Buffalo Rules:

1. No drinking with your right hand.
2. No drinks on the pool table.

Penalty: finish your entire drink at once.

One can only hope that some day in the distant future, someone will come along and tame this savage land.